AuthorJim Flynn is a humorist, writer and novelist. He is available for speaking engagements. To contact email: [email protected] Archives
June 2025
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Crayons and Electronics6/14/2025  Last week I mentioned that my upcoming book, Paperback Writer: Now Appearing at Bingo Night, is going to include a few Adult Coloring book pages. A reader asked: How do I handle this if I read on a Kindle?
First: If you use a Kindle Paperwhite: Don’t get out your crayons and color on the screen. This would be bad. My lawyer has advised me to put this disclaimer right at the beginning of the book. If you disregard this advice, you’re going to need a lot of Windex. Maybe a paint scraper. But, still rocking your iPad like it’s a high-tech clipboard? You’re in luck. If you’ve got a tablet—iPad, Kindle Fire, something your grandkid set up that you’re afraid to update—you can download the PDF version of this coloring book and use one of those fancy “apps” to color right on the screen. All it takes is a stylus or a confident index finger. No ink smudges, no broken crayons, no grandchild yelling, “You’re doing it wrong!” Now, if you’re a “real paper” person—because you like the sound of a good page turn and don’t trust anything that sends push notifications during church—you can print the pages out at home. Just download the PDF to your computer, open it (ask someone under 30 if necessary), and hit “Print.” Voilà. You’ve got yourself a coloring book, right there on paper. Ready for crayons, colored pencils, or highlighters from the junk drawer. So yes, even if you do all your reading on a Kindle, you can still enjoy the tactile thrill of coloring outside the lines. You just have to do one small, courageous thing: Dust off your printer and turn it on. And maybe buy some actual printer ink. If you’re like me, the ink cartridge is as dry as the Sahara Desert. Make sure to tune into this space next week. Discussed: Kids are using ChatGPT to write homework papers. Teachers are using ChatGPT to grade the papers. No humans are involved with the writing or the reading. Think about what is accomplished in this process. Coming soon: Paperback Writer: Now Appearing at Bingo Night.
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 My next book has a title. I used AI to test market some alternatives, and we came up with: Paperback Writer: Now Appearing at Bingo Night. Note to curious: you can't copyright a book title, or a song title. I can't use someone else's lyrics or tune, but I can use the title. Example: There was a corny Big Band song titled Stairway to Heaven from 1953, totally unrelated to Led Zeppelin... no problem. Led Zeppelin did get sued for supposedly stealing the tune for Stairway to Heaven from a 1960s rock band called Taurus, but Zeppelin won the suit. Anyhow.... Paperback Writer will have a few illustrations, in the form of coloring book pages, in a cynical attempt to tap the lucrative adult coloring book market. Crayons sold separately. Below is an excerpt. ------------------------------------------------------------------ What you’re holding now isn’t really a memoir. Or a novel. Or even a helpful guide for other confused writers. This is a book-shaped comedy club. Each chapter? A new set. The narrator? Me, pacing around your brain with a handheld mic and some unresolved issues. Why this format? Because, like the rest of humanity, I now have the attention span of a fruit fly. Let’s be honest: nobody reads long chapters anymore. People skim, scroll, read the first sentence, then wander off to watch a YouTube video called Top 10 Sandwiches Eaten by Classic Movie Stars. And you know what? I watched that one. Humphrey Bogart? Big fan of peanut butter and sardines on rye. Not really. I made that up. But admit it—you believed me for a second. Oh, and when someone asks what you’re reading, say: “It’s a literary masterpiece..." Then hand them a crayon. Because my “retire in comfort” plan is based on crayons. That's where the real money is. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The book is coming soon. Also to be an audiobook, narrated by me. Specifically written for your tiny attention span. Meanwhile, please check out Dead Men Don't Cash Checks click link to buy: www.amazon.com/dp/B0F3TT394W 
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The Gatsby Emoji5/31/2025  Let’s talk banned books. Some parents are losing their minds over which books their kids are supposed to read in high school—like The Great Gatsby. I want to ask these people: Have you met your kid? These kids don’t have the attention span to watch a TikTok for more than ten seconds. I suggest parents worry about something more realistic—like whether AI is going to wipe us all out in three years. But nope. They’re focused on banning books. And I’m not making this up: Professors at elite colleges say they can’t assign entire books anymore. Why? Because these students have never actually read a full book. Don’t believe me? Google it. What’s next—SATs in emoji? “Well, we wouldn’t want to crush the self-esteem of these future titans of industry.” How about this for a PhD thesis in history: Translate the first line of the Declaration of Independence into emojis. Got it? Great. Extra credit: Color them in. Hey, when I was in high school, I had to pretend to read all the classics: The Catcher in the Rye, The Great Gatsby, A Tale of Two Cities, Ethan Frome, The Scarlet Letter. And look how well-adjusted I turned out. Okay—maybe that’s pushing it. Let’s just say that as of the publication of this post, I’ve never been convicted of a felony. I cover these and other crucial issues in my new book. I’m not revealing the title yet. Suspense! But I will say this: It’s the biggest paradigm shift in literature and entertainment since Beowulf. Granted, I don’t really know what “paradigm” means. And I’ve never actually read Beowulf. I wrote that for the back cover—marketing! In the meantime, please consider this bestselling gift book: [click on this link] www.amazon.com/dp/B09CGMTCBQ 
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Are We Happy Yet?5/24/2025  I stumbled across the following real fact the other day while researching: According to the latest data, Americans are now less happy than at any point in history. Yes, even less happy than during the Great Depression, the Cuban Missile Crisis, or when President Jimmy Carter wore a cardigan sweater to tell the country we suffered from "malaise." At the time, I thought malaise was something you put on a sandwich. I wasn't yet the worldly, sophisticated gent you are now familiar with. Happiness numbers had been falling since the early 1990s, but fell off the table around 2009, and have declined every year since. At first I thought the cause must have been the Great Recession---remember, when all the banks were going broke. Nope. As you recall, we recovered from that crisis by borrowing the printing press from Zimbabwe and printing up trillions of dollars, which we, myself included, now all foolishly think are worth something. And some wingnut criminals...I mean far sighted futurist thinkers...invented cryptocurrency, which is like real money, but totally imaginary. What could go wrong? We're okay in the money department for now. No, what happened in 2009 was the introduction of the iPhone. I can hear you protesting..."Wait... I had a cellphone before that!" Yes, we did. We used the cellphone to make phone calls. How primitive! You make me laugh. Really, why talk to boring people when I can watch dogs surfing on my iPhone? According to the research I referenced, the smartphone has been the biggest force to isolate people in history. It's isolated more people than the Bubonic Plague! The cartoon above is a sight you can see every day. This theme is something I discuss in my next book, which I hope you find funny. I won't go on and on, but let me lay this fact on you: people still crave human interaction, but they want perfect fantasy interaction...not with somebody who wants you to do the dishes once in a while and hogs all the blankets... and people want a companion who is ready at a moment's notice for any activity. True example: An app that allows real-time...ummm...intimate...interactive discussion with a woman's voice came out a couple months ago. It costs a dollar a minute to talk to this AI generated woman. This robo-female apparently has no inhibitions, and has not yet been reported to demand that any user do the dishes. The first week this app went live it generated $70,000 in revenue! And it''s gone up every week since then. I didn't try it, but my friend Bob told me about it. I'm not going to give you the name of this app, and I certainly will not give you the link...I don't want to lose 100% of my male readership at this moment. Anyhow...back to literary matters. If you haven't done so, please cruise on over to Amazon and take a look at my latest book, Dead Men Don't Cash Checks. please click on this link: www.amazon.com/dp/B0F3TT394W 
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When The Toaster Becomes Self Aware5/17/2025  How I Accidentally Outlined a Satirical AI Apocalypse With ChatGPT You may know that Artificial Intelligence can help you write a novel--or just write the whole novel while you scroll through Instagram in the background. I was inspired by an interview of a guy who helped create AI forty years ago and now is concerned that it may lead to the destruction of mankind. I asked ChatGPT to help me mirror Dr. Strangelove, but with Artificial Intelligence instead of nukes. You know, a classic Cold War parody—except now the war is cold because all the humans have been fired and replaced by robots that run on chilled oat milk. The plot? A U.S. general stationed in a secret base in Greenland launches an irreversible AI attack. Why? Because he's battling the same problem as General Ripper in Dr. Strangelove. What followed was a gleeful collaboration. The AI helped me imagine a world teetering on destruction thanks to bureaucratic incompetence and overconfident engineers, you know the same people running our air traffic control situation. Then there's another player... A smart appliance who wants rule humanity. Is it satire? A warning? An attempt at cashing in on one of our latest fears? Yes. And if you’re wondering whether it ends with the machines winning… well, let’s just say I let ChatGPT write the ending. I'm not going to give too much away, but let's say this...if you have smart appliances...keep an eye on the toaster. Meanwhile, with Father's Day coming up, if you're looking for a gift that is more useful than a golf tie, or just a gift for that dorky delusional golfer you know, you might want to take a look at: Hit Your Second Shot First click link: www.amazon.com/dp/B09CGMTCBQ 
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 Last week's blog post about smartphones being the cause of the end of civilization was by far the most read post I've ever had. This week let's talk about one of the signs that civilization is on its last legs: Reality TV. I'm writing about them in my new book. I've never watched an episode of the Bachelor, The Bachelorette, The Geriatric Bachelor, or any of the spins offs. I am willing to take a polygraph to prove I've never watched. But it's impossible not to be exposed. Watch a football game and you see the ads. Stand in line at CVS and read headlines on the magazines: Can Blake Ever Be Trusted Again? Chad, Brittany, and Alex in Love Triangle on Helicopter Ride! Note: Everyone named Alex on these shows is a woman. Is it just me, or am I right to be a bit skeptical that normal dating includes sitting in a hot tub during a helicopter ride, landing at a mansion, then later drinking champagne while dressed in formal wear? And at the end of this process people actually get married? Like legally? It appears that a rose is very symbolic in this process. And I think you'll be impressed with how I suggest society handle viewers who think the shows are real. Then there's Home Renovation shows. I have watched, not because I wanted to--I am required to do so to stay married. Each show features a homeowner couple with vague professions, more like hobbies than actual jobs, but a renovation budget of at least 3.5 million. At the end during the big reveal, they pretend to act delightedly surprised, amazed even, at all the wonderful changes made to their old house, even though the couple have been there every day, watching every step of the process. How about Shark Tank? Would-be entrepreneurs pitch ideas the world can't live without, like edible yoga mats made from recycled lithium batteries. You'll have to read the book to see the details, but I will say this: I advocate a shocking plot twist and adding actual starving Great White Sharks to the program. Then in conclusion I suggest mixing some of the elements of the shows. Think: Great White Shark in the hot tub! That will add some pop to your backsplash. I'm not telling you the name of the new book yet. Maybe I'll have a big reveal during my upcoming Reality TV show. If you haven't done so, please take a look at my latest novel...or better yet buy it! Dead Men Don't Cash Checks. Click link below: www.amazon.com/dp/B0F3TT394W 
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 This might sound like a Twilight Zone episode but, it actually happened the other day. After a round of golf, a bunch of us were sitting in the coffee shop. The guy next to me--instead of speaking--sent me a text. While sitting two feet away. He never made eye contact. It wasn't some secret message, or something that might be embarrassing if the other people heard it. It's normal now...how he's been conditioned by SkyNet to communicate. Now, sure, that might be a subtle commentary on my personality. But I prefer to think of it as a bold statement about society. And technology. And in the fifteen years or so since the introduction of the iPhone, we've been turned into mush brained servants, harvested for money by the tech bros, just like humanity was harvested for power in The Matrix. The smartphone didn’t just enslave humanity—it gave us Stockholm Syndrome with push notifications. We don’t use our phones anymore. We serve them. Obediently. Worshipfully. Like tiny digital cult members, hunched over glowing rectangles, waiting for our next dopamine pellet from the slot machine of despair. And who benefits from this glorious arrangement? Not us. We’ve got spinal curvature and attention spans shorter than a salamander. But somewhere, in a mansion shaped like a USB-C port, a tech billionaire is adding another zero to his net worth every time you click “Skip Ad” and watch the ad anyway. We’ve been turned into zombies, sure—but not the cool movie kind that chase people and moan. No. We’re the boring zombies. We scroll. We swipe. We watch videos of other people watching videos. We're influenced by influencers. And the worst part? We like it. We defend it. Who cares if evil forces know all our personal secrets---you can't take my phone away! We bring our phones to bed, to dinner, to the bathroom—especially the bathroom. Our ancestors hunted mammoths. We… screenshot memes on the toilet. The revolution won’t be televised. It’ll be livestreamed. With ads. Probably sponsored by Meta. Want to break away from the boring collective? Flaunt your last vestige of individual humanity? Check out my latest book: Dead Men Don't Cash Checks. click link below: www.amazon.com/dp/B0F3TT394W 
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 You know what’s crazy? There’s a ton of money being made in the independent writing world right now. But here’s the twist: almost none of it’s being made by people actually writing books. The real jackpot? It’s all in selling dreams about writing books. Online courses, masterclasses, secret Facebook groups—teaching hopeful writers how to build an "author platform" or unlock their "7-Figure Mindset." (For a modest four-figure fee, of course.) It’s the Gold Rush all over again. The prospectors went broke; the guys selling picks and shovels retired early. Today’s version just has better branding and a lot more hashtags. As soon as you publish a book, you get barraged by these wizards who hold the secret key to writing success. It's a way to get more emails than if you reply "Yes, I do want to pay to chat with Lonely Eastern European Women." Not that I've ever done that. A friend told me about it...his name ...Bob. I can't even blame these people who take advantage of wannabe writers. Honestly? It’s kind of brilliant. If you can’t sell a novel, sell the idea of selling a novel. There are a lot of desperate authors out there, and some of the competition is now coming from Artificial Intelligence. There's a YouTube tutorial where a guy in a bathrobe shows you how to "write an AI novel" in one minute. Meanwhile, the rest of us are still doing it the hard way—actually writing the books—because apparently we missed the memo about the real business plan. At least we're stubborn. And hey, stubborn counts for something... right? Meanwhile, just in case, I'm working on a combination marketing plan. How's this from the Jim Flynn Creative Writing Institute? Learn To Write Bestsellers From Attractive Eastern European Women. Only $999. No refunds, but you get a free refrigerator magnet. If you haven't done so, please check out my latest book: Dead Men Don't Cash Checks click the link below: www.amazon.com/dp/B0F3TT394W 
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Civilization Could Depend On This4/19/2025  I am currently working on two books. One deals with how hard it is for a book to compete for attention of people whose minds have been lowered to the reptile level by the cellphone. It's very hard to get people to let go of their phones, Sample overheard conversation: Doctor, what do you mean I can't bring my phone into surgery? But I'm expecting a very important update regarding my fantasy football team while I'm unconscious! Smartphones can do a lot of things books cannot do. Example: I admit this, and I bet you do it too. I use my cellphone to act like a big deal. Scenario: I'm in a group of people and my cellphone buzzes. "Excuse me, I've got to take this." I act like it might be my agent confirming my movie deal with Steven Spielberg, or an encrypted text from U.S. Cyber Command. Civilization may depend on this. What is it really? Some guy I don't remember from high school...sent me a photo...of what he had for brunch. Due to poor lighting it looks like a diseased greenish omelet, oozing over the plate,. It could be an image from the 1950s horror movie, The Monster That Devoured Cleveland. I do not divulge this to the people near me. I act like I will handle this only when I get to a Top Secret, Eyes Only secure location. It's tough for a book to compete with this kind of functionality. More in coming weeks. Meanwhile, if you haven't done so, please take a look at my latest book: Dead Men Don't Cash Checks. go to Amazon to check it out. Click: www.amazon.com/dp/B0F3TT394W 
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 I just published my latest book: Dead Men Don't Cash Checks Lessons I learned since writing the first book:
People have told me that it's my best book, my funniest book. If you're into smart liars, moral ambiguity, and a story that moves fast but hits hard—give Dead Men Don’t Cash Checks a read. Click to find out more on Amazon: www.amazon.com/dp/B0F3TT394W  |
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