AuthorJim Flynn is a humorist, writer and novelist. He is available for speaking engagements. To contact email: [email protected] Archives
January 2025
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Code Name: Salamander1/10/2025  After consulting with a marketing expert and doing some cogitation on my own, I have outlined a plan of battle for 2025.
And don't kid yourself; it is a battle for peoples' attention. A quote from the soon to be published revised edition of You Look Good for Your Age: "But there’s a growing problem with being a writer—people don’t read books much anymore. Because they can’t pay attention! Scientific studies show that the average attention span of a middle-aged American these days is about the same as a salamander’s. And we’re not talking Mensa level lizards either, we’re talking fiftieth percentile salamander." First to appear will be the fourth JR Johnson novel. Working title: The Final Password. Next will be the paperback and ebook revised editions of You Look Good For Your Age. Third: the audiobook version of You Look Good.... Further details soon. questions or comments to: [email protected]
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Goals for 20251/4/2025  To reach you goals for the year, one thing is crucial: You need to have goals. First, I'm going to finish recording the audiobook version of You Look Good for Your Age. The audio version is quite different than the original written book, so I'll have to publish a second edition paperback. New! Improved!, Now with more jokes! If you already bought the book; thank you, and please consider getting the audio version. Second, and this is a big one: Finish the fourth JR Johnson novel and decide what to do with the first three books. I had taken the books off Amazon with the intention of rewriting the whole series. I am reviewing that decision with a couple people I trust, and I am also having my once annual paid session with my writing consultant. It's expensive but worth it, like getting a once a year tune up on your golf swing from a professional--instead of the guy you play with who just read a chapter in Ben Hogan's book. Third, I've got to refocus on advertising, especially the golf books. A few years ago Facebook advertising was extremely successful at targeting specific markets, and I sold a lot of copies, especially of Hit Your Second Shot First. Then the algorithms changed, and it doesn't work anymore. I've reached out to a few marketing types to see if I can get help. If you know anybody, please email me. Fourth, I've got to go out a speak more, go out and pitch my books. I'm working on getting more speaking gigs. BTW, I thought last week's blog headline in Sanskrit would be a dud, but an unbelievable amount of people have visited the website this week. How do you say JR Johnson in Sanskrit? It could be big. Get ready for golf season--give this to a golfer, Or try the excellent audiobook version Click to go to Amazon book page: www.amazon.com/dp/B09CGMTCBQ 
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Can Typos Write A Bestseller!12/28/2024  You know how word processors have those spelling assist features? When I make a typo, the program tries to guess what I meant. But my typos are so horrendous, the suggestions are often in foreign languages—like Swahili or Sanskrit. Often the suggested words use obscure alternative alphabets. Sometimes I don’t even remember what I was originally trying to say. I’m thinking of just writing a book in Sanskrit—then letting autocorrect translate it into English. It might turn out better than what I write on purpose. A seasonal note: Being a retired gent on a fixed income, I don't send out Christmas Cards. My strategy: I wait to see who sends me a card, them a respond with a New Years Card. Hand written, the card usually has one primary message--the recipient's life would be better if they would read my latest book. Really-it's not about me, I'm thinking of their best interests. How's this for an idea? If you find yourself in the embarrassing situation of having gotten a card from someone that you neglected, send them a copy of You Look Good for Your Age. It's a kind of one-upmanship. "I'll see your card, and raise you a book." click here to buy the book: www.amazon.com/dp/B0DK3NDRNB Note to linguists: the obscure writing at the top of the page states: You Look Good For Your Age in Sanskrit. Another educational service provided by this blog. Questions or comments: [email protected] 
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Anybody Bring Their Crayons?12/21/2024  I work on a novel for a year, only to get outsold by a motivational coloring book? That’s how the audiobook version of You Look Good For Your Age begins. As I’ve been speaking and testing the material, I’ve found something surprising: it changes. It evolves. Speaking it out loud is a completely different experience than writing it down. Sometimes, as I’m talking through the material, I think of a new joke on the spot. Other times, the inspiration hits in the middle of the night, and I’ll get up and head straight to my computer. Here’s the thing: if I don’t write it down right away, I’ll forget it by morning. And sometimes, what seemed hilarious at 2 a.m. doesn’t seem so great in the cold light of day. Those bits get deleted. Does this sound like a lot of compulsive work? Maybe. But does it matter? To me, it absolutely does. This is what I do, and I love it. Writing, speaking, performing—it’s fun, but I also take it seriously. I want to bring my best to every single audience, whether they’re reading my books, listening to the eventual audiobook, or hearing me live. The audiobook version of You Look Good For Your Age will be out eventually. Don’t worry—I’ll give you plenty of warning when it’s ready! In the meantime, if you’re looking for a speaker for your group, event, or organization, let me know. I promise I’ll make it worth your while. I don’t charge for showing up, but I do charge people to get me to leave. (Just kidding! I do, however, sell copies of my books.) Seriously, though—take a look around my website. My books make great gifts. Whether it’s a stocking stuffer or a pick-me-up, they’re guaranteed to entertain... and feel free to color them in if you want to! BYOC Bring Your Own Crayons Any questions or comments to: [email protected]
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Gravity? It's Only a Theory!12/11/2024  That's her husband. This photo was sent in by a loyal reader in response to last week's blog post in which we discussed men who tell their wives, "Watch this, I know what I'm doing."
He's a long way up. The death defying lumberjack in the photo is an accountant by profession, much too clever and self-reliant to call the real tree guy. It's okay, he made it. As you can see from the photo, it's someplace warm, in this case California. I'm not a physicist, but I seem to remember that they do have gravity in California. I fell off a horse there once. Last week's blog post got the most views and responses in the history of this site. Several people sent in written examples of the above mentioned behavior. A favorite: A guy was cleaning his swimming pool. Running low on chemicals, he decided to mix the remainder of two different brands, even though both five gallon containers had large warning labels telling users specifically not to do so. His wife pointed that out. "I know what I'm doing," he said. "Relax." After mixing, the resultant goo began bubbling and emitting a piercing, high pitched whistle. The husband and wife ran and were a safe distance when the plastic tub exploded, creating a hole in the lawn along with several hundred pieces of plastic, and a blob of toxic residue. The explosion was so loud a neighbor called the police. The perpetrator had to explain himself to the responding officer. This behavior deserves more study. So far I've noticed common thread: it's important to have a female present for the guy to act so stupid. Maybe the presence of a woman releases a specific chemical in a man's brain. Feel free to keep sending in examples. If you haven't done so, please take a look at the books on this site. Questions or comments--or photos, to: [email protected]
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Watch This. I Know What I'm Doing!12/7/2024  "Watch This, I know what I'm doing." This Thanksgiving Day a man in affluent suburb Weston, CT. managed to burn his home to the ground while attempting to deep fry a turkey in the garage. In all the news reports this edifice was described not as a house, but specifically as a "mansion," so that's a feather in his cap. He burned down a whole mansion. No one was hurt, the family got out safely. Not all the details have been released, but you know, YOU JUST KNOW, that at some point, mere minutes before calling the Volunteer Fire Department, the pyrotechnic culinary genius, in an irritated voice, said to his wife: "Watch This. I know what I'm doing!" How can I be so certain? 1) I'm a guy. 2) Exhibit A: When I moved from the 'burbs to my 29 acre farm I bought a four wheel drive ATV which I use like a small tractor, complete with snowplow attached. Still have the little workhorse. That spring it was time for an oil change and tune-up, I bought ramps so I could drive the ATV into the bed of my pickup truck to take it to the dealer. I was certain it would fit, but I hadn't removed the attached snowplow. My wife expressed her concerns. Irritated, I said, "Watch This. I know what I'm doing!" You have to drive fast to get up the ATV up the ramps. So I sped the ATV onto the bed of the pickup, the plow smashing the truck's rear window into an estimated 450 million pieces. The noise was shockingly loud. Eventually I had to look over at my wife. I was getting the vibe that she was thinking: I could have done so much better than marrying this idiot. She might have been thinking an even harsher word. I'm now doing research. Is saying, "Watch This, I know what I'm doing," strictly a guy thing? Is it something primitive man said in the hunter/gatherer stage of development? What are the causes? What are the sociological implications? Don't tell anybody this, let's keep it between us, because I'm using this as the basis of a chapter I'm writing for my new book, working title: Watch This, I Know What I'm Doing. Meanwhile, still looking for a holiday gift for less important people on your list? Please consider: go today to buy on Amazon: www.amazon.com/dp/B0DK3NDRNB  Questions or comments to: [email protected]
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Slow Day in Paris11/30/2024   Above: Recent photo-I was hawking my book at a stall on the Left Bank in Paris Anybody want to buy a book? My kids are hungry, and frankly, so is Mrs. Author. Here’s the deal: book sales tank during the week of a holiday. I learned this the hard way with my first book. Sales were cruising along nicely until Christmas week, when they flatlined so hard I thought Amazon had just… forgotten I existed. I actually called them and asked if the store was broken. Turns out, no. People just stop buying books and start panic-shopping for whatever lights up or makes noise. Also, some of you may be shocked by how much I've aged. It's the pressure combined with...well, that's not a photo of my good side. Lately, I’ve been making the rounds on podcasts. I don’t post all of them because, honestly, some hosts are like “What Would Joe Rogan Do?” and drop so many F-bombs! They've got the swearing down, but they ain't Joe Rogan, and I'd be embarrassed to send out the podcasts. But here’s one I actually enjoyed—a lovely chat with a nice lady from Missouri: click to listen and/or watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGD-ge2Gdec&t=154s Now, if you’re staring at your holiday shopping list wondering what to get the person who has everything (except good taste in books), grab them a copy—or five—of You Look Good For Your Age. Because who doesn’t want to feel simultaneously flattered and insulted this holiday season? Click below now to go to Amazon and solve your gift giving problems:: www.amazon.com/dp/B0DK3NDRNB
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Want Pie? Not So Fast!11/23/2024  In a previous post I mentioned that I am now recording the audiobook version of You Look Good For Your Age. It's a task that will take a while. But as I perform the material out loud, I find myself making up new jokes. Most of the book is the same, but the beginning is different. So, for the benefit of people who already read the book, here's the new opening: So... I’ve written eight books. Eight books! A couple of them did okay, they were Amazon bestsellers for a while---for about as long as it takes to cook a hardboiled egg. But they made the list. On the other end of the spectrum? One of the other books didn’t sell much—only my family read it. Well, claims to have read it. They think they’re being nice, but fake support feels worse than no support at all. I did get one review from a family member that said, ‘This book is riveting.’ I was touched... until I found out the kid copied it from a book about metalworking. One time we got together and called them out. I was like, “You’re a bunch of creeps! You liars!” Kind of ruined that Thanksgiving. Have you ever belonged to a very intense book club—where half the people never read the book? It was like that. I’ve fixed my problem though. Now, every family Thanksgiving before each person can have a piece of pie, I give them quizzes. Actual written quizzes on key passages. It’s like Thanksgiving meets high school English class—with more at stake—I’m strict—You flunk the test---"you sit there and watch while everybody else eats their pie. You on a diet, or are you gonna read the book next time?” A bit different. The good news for the people who have read the book? Or anyone who reads the book? When the audio version is done, if you are on Audible, I will send you a free audiobook copy. All I ask is that you review it. The only requirement? Are going to write a good review? If you want to say it stinks, keep it to yourself. It's going to take a while. As some actor said, "Dying is easy, comedy is hard," and it's been quite some time since my formal acting training at the Royal Shakespeare Company, and the Yale Drama School. I later studied at more budget friendly but now defunct K-Mart Blue Light Special Academy of Performing Arts. Anyhow, need a holiday gift for someone you don't want to spend much money on? click the link to buy on Amazon: www.amazon.com/dp/B0DK3NDRNB  Questions or comments to:
[email protected]
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Lois Visits the Farm11/16/2024  I moved way out in the country over twenty years ago. We have lots of varieties of insects that I didn't see growing up in the suburbs. Many of the bugs are way bigger than I was used to seeing. As far as I know, my farm was never the site for any nuclear testing, but we do have huge mutant ants. When we first moved in our friend Lois Lane visited. Like many of our suburban friends she dressed inappropriately for the farm tour. When she became detached from our group, I heard the approach of scuttling legs, and turned to see her being attacked by one of the freakish ants. Fortunately, I had just purchased a flame thrower from Tractor Supply. It was on sale and you never know when you might need one. Using the handy weapon I was able to roast the attacker, but it was a close call. Lois Lane was unhurt but badly shaken, and still wearing her pearls rapidly tossed down several shots of Jack Daniels to steady her nerves, but being a lady, she did not remove her hat. Lois's experience has led us to caution women about wearing high heels on the farm. IMPORTANT NOTICE: The facts in the above account have not been independently verified. I figured you could use some laughs. Or maybe a friend of yours could? If so, you might also want to read the laugh out loud You Look Good For Your Age. Click the link now to buy on Amazon: www.amazon.com/dp/B0DK3NDRNB 
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Better Than a Therapy Dog!11/9/2024  A couple topics brought up by readers: First: A reader emailed that anxiety brought on by the election caused him to not watch his usual CNBC stock market programs. Instead he turned off the TV and re-read the last five chapters of You Look Good for Your Age. He reported feeling better about the world in general. I am not making that up. In response I replied that experts everywhere are saying that reading You Look Good For Your Age is even better for people than having an emotional support animal. For more therapeutic results: read all the chapters! Second: Last week I explained that I am narrating my own audiobook version of You Look Good For Your Age. Another reader who will be unnamed (well, as long as you insist, it was Charlene) wrote that I would have a tough time doing that because I tend to laugh at my own jokes. I explained that as a highly disciplined professional I can generally stop laughing at my own jokes by the ninth or tenth take, and eventually I will be able to produce a finished audiobook. If you don't have a copy if You Look Good For Your Age, what are you waiting for? Hurry up, the earth might get hit by an asteroid any day now, and how would you feel if you look up at a gigantic object streaking through the sky and realized that you haven't read the book? I'm only thinking about the best interests of the General Reading Public. Order now! click on the link below to go to Amazon: www.amazon.com/dp/B0DK3NDRNB  Questions or comments to:
[email protected] |
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