AuthorJim Flynn is a humorist, writer and novelist. He is available for speaking engagements. To contact email: [email protected] Archives
November 2024
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Was this sign on my book?9/19/2024  I’ve written eight books. A couple did okay. But one book, only my family read—and I’m pretty sure they lied about that. And I have a small family.
I got them together and called them out on it. “You’re a bunch of turncoats! Ingrates, ” I said. Kind of ruined Thanksgiving. But I keep them honest now. I give them written quizzes on key passages, like high school—or a very intense book club. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The above is the introduction to the new book I'm publishing soon: You Look Good For Your Age. I'm still working on my fourth novel, The Dead Banker's Password, but it isn't ready yet. Taking a break from the novel is helping me. When I get back to The Dead Banker, I'll be ready to push through to the finish. More on You Look Good For Your Age soon. Comments: [email protected]
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 I see a big time famous motivational guy is going to be in the New York area soon. For just $2,985 you can get a Diamond Club ticket for four sessions of motivation. The promotional lit stated that these top dollar seats will be up closest to the stage where you are most likely to be noticed by, and to get to interact with the famous man. For around $1,600 you can get nosebleed seats where you are most likely to get noticed by, and interact with the hot dog vendor. Some audience members are going to learn to fire walk. Let's assume the trainee fire walkers will be volunteers, that they're not random attendees forced to the stage at gunpoint. Did you do the math? Let's say the average ticket is $2,000. The arena holds 18,000 people. That's $36 million in revenue. Of course there are expenses--the motivational guy is going to have to pay for the charcoal in the firepit, fire extinguishers, some Dr. Scholl's foot powder, stuff like that. Need Motivation? I've got your motivation right here! Price: $6.99. That leaves a $2,977 surplus from the alternative. No fire walking recommended by me, I'd suggest you use the leftover cash to buy a pair of Skechers and maybe an eBike. Or you could go on a cruise. What's that you ask? Motivation for just $6.99? Yup. My book: The Circle of Awareness makes fun of the Self Help industrial complex, but in the end provides wonderful motivation. Be entertained while you get the motivation of a lifetime! True tidbit from The Circle of Awareness: The first Self-Help book was titled Self-Help, written by Samuel Smiles. No kidding! Everybody, ninety percent of all people, are telling me that The Circle of Awareness has changed their lives. Take my word for it. Have I ever lied to you before? A criticism of traditional motivation is that it's fine, but temporary. People might leave the motivational venue with the best of intentions to, for example, lose weight. But it's a long drive home, I'll just stop at McDonalds and begin the diet and exercise plan tomorrow. And my feet hurt so much from that bleepin' fire walk that I deserve a large shake and fries. Maybe a Big Mac. The Circle of Awareness book is something you can keep and refer to time after time. You may want one copy for home, and another for the office. If you're really intent on spending $2,985 on motivation, how about 426 copies of The Circle of Awareness? Free shipping, and I'll throw in some collector's edition Book Marks. I'll even do a Zoom call with you and your unmotivated friends.  Pictured here: one of the thousands of people whose life was changed by The Circle of Awareness. Get it today! click here: www.amazon.com/dp/B0CMXB5NQK The cover alone makes it a handsome addition to any library. 
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You're All Winners!9/7/2024  There were several great entries for the Next Sport in The Olympics contest.
I have decided to award all 19 entries with the very valuable prize: A Book Mark, currently under design, sure to be a collector's item. In the future it could be as valuable as a Zimbabwe 100 trillion dollar bill, or a Bitcoin. In a dystopian, post-apocalyptic world, the Book Marks may be used as currency. Entries ranged from Dog Frisbee to Jarts to Tiddlywinks, to Hot Dog Eating, to Crolf. I had never heard of Crolf; it's a combination of croquet and golf for people who find those two sports individually too fast paced. There were two entires not suitable for publication. Those two suggestions have this in common: they were unspeakably bold. Without further discussion, I can state that either of these two events would be certain to get among the highest viewer ratings in Olympic History. One person suggested an event that's already in the current Olympics. Pay attention people! In addition to working on the Book Marks, I am writing, working on three projects: finishing the novel: The Dead Banker's Password, writing a new humor book: You Look Good For Your Age, and re-editing and releasing a new version of Be Sincere Even When You Don't Mean It. After a recent podcast appearance on which I talked about Be Sincere, a listener got in touch with me and suggested I read the book again. I did, and saw several opportunities to make the book...how do I put this....better...and now with even more phony sincerity. It will also be reformatted. I'm doing that now. The book will stay in print, the revisions will be uploaded when done. When the Book Marks are ready I will get in touch with anyone who has submitted an entry and arrange to mail the prize. I advise recipients to keep the Book Mark in mint condition, like a Mickey Mantle rookie card. The best way to get in touch with me is email: [email protected]
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 I failed to make the U.S. Olympic Break Dancing team. Actually, I didn't make it to the Northwestern Connecticut Senior Olympic Break Dancing Finals. So maybe it's just sour grapes.
Really, Break Dancing in the Olympics? The same gold medal the winner of the 100 meter dash or the 1500 meter freestyle gets? Does the Russian Breakdancing Judge cheat just like in diving and gymnastics? And what Performance Enhancing Drugs will the Russians develop for Breakdancing? How about Gyrate-O-Droxanderone, a steroid that will allow performers to spin on their heads for minutes at a time without getting dizzy? I've come to realize that the Olympics is a TV show, and the criteria for a sport being accepted is: will people watch it so TV networks can sell ads? As a wiser man than I once said, "The answer to all your questions is Money." What's next? I saw a bumpersticker: Put Bowling in The Olympics. I'm reluctant to stereotype people, but the driver looked like a bowler. Okay. How about some feedback? Send in suggestions for the next less than classical sport to go into the Olympics grab bag to: [email protected] The winning entry will get a prize
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Sit Still and Look at the Camera8/18/2024  That's good advice if you're going to be a guest on a video podcast. My most recent podcast was an appearance discussing my first book: Be Sincere Even When You Don't Mean It. Click the link to see the podcast:. www.youtube.com/watch?v=llObycJPAx4 What's with the shades? I need to use a very bright ring light on the video, otherwise I look like a wrinkled 2,000 year old man. The bright lights cause problems, so I wear the shades; besides I always wanted to be a cool surfer dude. Proof: here's an un-retouched photo of what I look like with the ring light turned off:  Being on a podcast is a great way to publicize a book. Good podcasts are looking for guests.
When I started making these appearances well-intentioned friends said, "Why don't you go on Joe Rogan's podcast?" They're the same well-intentioned people who suggested I send copies of my books to Steven Spielberg and Ron Howard. After all, those guys are always looking for new movie material, right? Attention Well-Intentioned Friends: you can't start at the top with access to Joe Rogan's millions of viewer/listeners. To get on Joe's podcast it helps to already be famous, or to have written a New York Times bestseller. To those of you unfamiliar with Joe, he recently signed a $250 million contract with Spotify for his podcast. There are zillions of podcasts, and I started on some dreadful shows. Poor quality, unprepared hosts, podcasts that were gone after a month. I did one show on which the host sheepishly admitted after 30 minutes that he had forgotten to hit "Record" at the beginning. Would I mind starting over? That guy did not recently sign a $250 million contract. I've worked my way up, but have some work to do before the big time. Part of it is learning to be a better guest. I sit still and look at the camera now. Note: that's a cool picture of the old guy, huh? I made it using AI, then superimposed a sunglasses icon over the face. I think the picture would make a great book cover, I just have to write a book that matches the subject. It's in the planning stages. Working title: You Look Good for Your Age.
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Be Sincere, Mate8/17/2024  Be Sincere Even When You Don't Mean It. That's advice given to Jimmy Sizemore, the main character of my first book. His father told him that, and meant it. Be Sincere... became the title of the book, first published in 2020. The book is quirky, and has always had a cult following. There are pockets of readers who pop up from time to time, even though I haven't advertised or promoted the book in years. The latest pocket is in Australia. I live in Connecticut, never been to Australia, no recent podcasts there. I cannot explain it. One of the Australian Kindle readers was kind enough to review: Reviewed in Australia August 13, 2024--Five Stars. Enjoy! Thoroughly enjoyed the adventure, no sugarcoating of BS. I wish people nowadays would stop being politically correct and revert to the good old “be yourself” days. Highly recommend! When I saw the recent Australian readership I decided to give the book a re-introduction. Maybe I can generate more pockets of interest. One of the great things about this book in particular is in how many countries the Be Sincere has sold. I even got a fan email from South Africa while I was standing in line for my first Covid shot. And I made lots of new friends, most of whom I will never meet, but we correspond regularly. Karen Corrine Herceg, a serious literary person, wrote a glowing review. Here's part: Beyond the personal life tips, there are the acerbic, satirical, and often hilariously funny Sizemore situations and anecdotes that give deep insights into human nature and, in many cases, uniquely American institutions.... Flynn accomplishes this with adroit observations and cutting-edge wit about behaviors and consequences that are ingrained in the American psyche and landscape. Flynn’s humor is excavated from a deep, intellectual acumen that serves to substantiate the validity of his points even while we’re laughing our asses off. There are no cheap shots here but authentic perceptions and keen, unrelenting examinations of some of our most cherished and supposedly sacred establishments and convictions. I didn't know Karen when she wrote the review, we have subsequently become friends. She's an award winning poet, writer, reviewer and editor. Among other things, Karen gets paid by the U.S. State Department to read her poems as cultural exchanges with other countries. I asked Karen if she would give my name to the the State Department; maybe I could do cultural exchanges, I could use the cash. She was noncommittal, it's been quite a while, and I haven't heard from the State Department yet. Then again. maybe it's not such a good idea. Would other countries understand the cultural significance of the following?: an excerpt from Be Sincere Even When You Don't Mean It- ...I passed an eighteen wheeler with mudflaps on the rear tires. The flaps were black and each featured a silver silhouette of a very statuesque naked woman...I wondered: has this ploy ever worked, like some kind of perverted fishing lure? In the millions of times women passed one of these trucks, has just one woman ever been overtaken by lust and thought: I must have this devilishly handsome, beef jerky stained, overweight sophisticated truck driver in the $1.99 three colored one-size-fits-all polyester baseball cap! I'll just pull over at the next truck stop and let him ravish my body! All I ask: take a look. Some of you will like it. Go check out Be Sincere Even When You Don't Mean It on Amazon. If you are an audiobook person, sample the audio version, narrated by the great Gary Williams. Click below all to see all the options on the Amazon listing: www.amazon.com/dp/B083LG9R4Z Next Week: AND--I just did a podcast all about Be Sincere. For those of you who haven't been a podcast guest, I'll talk about the experiences, and give you a link to the newest YouTube podcast. 
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 I know this from real life experience. I simultaneously published Hit Your Second Shot First with another title: The Snarky Golfer. Exact same content, same cover art, only the title was different. It was a test: which one would sell better? People hated the word "snarky" and ran away from The Snarky Golfer like they were extras in a 1950s monster movie. After a month Hit Your Second Shot First had sold more than 30 times as many books. Being a marketing genius, I took Snarky off the market. I bring this up now because I'm getting feedback on the title of my upcoming novel. Working title: Useful Idiot is turning people off. The word "Idiot" is seen as offensive, and I get it. I didn't work through two years and seven drafts of writing a book, only to slap a title on it that would make people run for the hills. I'm working on finishing the book. Comments, suggestions to: [email protected] As long as you're here, why not cruise around the website? You might want to read about my experience as a Jeopardy contestant, or take a look at my first book, Be Sincere Even When You Don't Mean It. The new book. A new title has already been chosen. It does not include the word Snarky. Meanwhile, stay alert and stay in shape. Be ready to run. You never know what could be coming for you. 
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Burn the Ships!8/3/2024  When the Vikings invaded England their leaders burned the ships on the beach. It created a great incentive to move forward. As a result there are still a lot of blue eyed people in the British Isles. All three of my JR Johnson novels are among the top ten percent of books on Amazon. That's the good news. The bad news: There are 10 million books on Amazon! Congratulations Jim, you're number one million! To be successful, you need to be in the top one percent. And the pyramid gets mighty steep when you get near the top. I've taken what I've learned and am applying it to writing the fourth JR Johnson book, Useful Idiot. But here's the thing: I've burned the first three books. Not actually, I'm not a book burning guy. But I have taken them Out of Print. A bit of perspective: Combined, the novels have sold thousands of copies. Further perspective: My golf book, Hit Your Second Shot First, has sold more than all the novels combined, and continues to sell every day somewhere in the world That means you can't buy a new copy of the novels. I looked back at the first three. Losing Lola was written six years ago.. The books are pretty good, they have their moments, Losing Lola even won a couple awards. The Bitcoin Gambit sold the best. If I'm going to aspire to being a one percenter I have to produce better books. It's not the writing so much, it's the plot structure. I'm not going give another boring lecture on that, I don't want my friend Bob to stand on the railing again and threaten to jump. But pretty good isn't good enough to get where I want to go. Let's just say that I made amateurish mistakes, and leave it at that. To anyone who vigorously agrees with newfound my self awareness: Keep it to yourself! Nobody likes people who pile on. I truly thank all fans of the books, and I'm going to do better. Useful Idiot will be out when it's ready. It can stand on its own. I'm not sure what to do with the first three. Write them over? Leave them alone, and move on to the next phase? A lot will depend on the reception for Useful Idiot. So forget about one millionth place.... How about a million copies? 
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Tell Me A Story7/25/2024  Everybody knows what a story is until they sit down to write one --Author Flannery O'Connor This included me. (Not actual photo, meant to symbolize the learning process) How hard could it be? I thought. I've read lots of stories. Bad news: It turns out, it's hard. Good news: You can learn how to do it. Bad news: There's a lot of advice, most of it terrible. Bad news: After you learn, it's still hard. There's something called Resistance facing you, every day, trying to stop you. Example: I'll write today, but first I'll check my emails, then Facebook, then...well, it's almost lunch time...I'll write after lunch... I've read or listened to hundreds of books, talks, podcasts over the last six years and have boiled down the following list for anyone interested in writing: How to Write Best Selling Fiction, by James Scott Bell-this is available in audio, the best way to get it is through Audible, it's just one Credit. It's long, only listen if you're interested in really writing. Basic, kind of Novel 101. Introduces stuff like Three Act Structure, The Hero's Journey, The Inciting Incident. If you don't know what those things are---well you probably should find out before you sit down and type, "It was a dark and stormy night..." The War of Art, by Steven Pressfield. Not that much on how to write, more on the discipline of the life, and Pressfield introduced the above mentioned concept of Resistance. Very readable and recommended to anyone, whether you're serious about writing or not. Pressfield is an interesting guy, I recommend all of his stuff. Start with The War of Art. The Nutshell Technique, by Jill Chamberlain. You'll learn the difference between a Story and a Situation. Here's the deal: in a Story the Protagonist has a Want, which he knows, and a Need, which he doesn't know. If you don't start here, you've got no Story. There's a lot more, but if you don't have a Story, you've got a pile of words nobody will finish reading. Your friends and relatives may claim to have read the whole thing; they're lying. You wonder why you're not getting anywhere? No Story! The Anatomy of Genres, by John Truby. If the first recommendation is Novel 101, this book is your Master's Degree. Advanced, don't read this first, I tried to read a previous book by Truby six years ago and wasn't ready for it. If you've written a book or two, and are now ready to write a good book, this is for you. Example: I was trying to fit all my stuff into The Hero's Journey format, but it didn't work. Truby says: The Hero's Journey (think Luke Skywalker in Star Wars) is only for the Male Myth, it doesn't work in other genres. He explains the structure of other formats. Like turning on the lightbulb for me! Lots more in this 700 page book. I'm so smart now that my next book will make a lot of money and I'll buy a new vehicle:  Discussion Question One: which one of the two people has a worse hairdo?
Discussion Question Two: Would you wear a suit and tie to fly an experimental helicopter? Note One: I have not been compensated in any way for the book recommendations above. However, if offered I would accept bribes--I haven't been offered. Note Two: if you're trying get in touch with me, the comments section below doesn't work. Please email: [email protected]
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No Respect!7/20/2024  Rodney Dangerfield talking about his early career:
To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit. Then again, Rodney didn't have social media. Times have changed, but I understand his point. It's hard to get noticed above all the noise, the daily release of thousands of books, many written by artificial intelligence, and the attention span of readers is getting shorter. I've gotten to know many other writers. Common responses to less than great book sales: I've got to get an agent, I've got to market better, I need to follow the YouTube guru who espouses "Seven Hacks to Writing Success." They're all looking for the quick fix. How about this: Learn to write better books that a broader audience wants to read. I chose to try that less traveled road. My first novel, Losing Lola, was pretty good. I have some fans, and the book won two awards. It still sells. But let's face it, winning a book award these days is a bit like getting a participation trophy in a Youth Soccer league. I started a learning quest. Read lots of books before stumbling my way to works that helped me. There's a lot of garbage. I won't mention any titles. There are several books by famous well intentioned authors that are entertaining, but not helpful. Best example: the hugely successful On Writing by Steven King. If you ask retired English teachers, this is the book they'll recommend, because King spends a lot of time talking about parts of speech. He says he hates adverbs, for example, even though if you read his books, the text is full of adverbs. The most important thing I've learned is: Story Is Everything. If you have a boring predictable plot, nobody will read your book. Even if you get all the grammar down pat--take that retired English teacher with your unpublished homage to the Jane Austen! Do I sound bitter? It might have something to do with my 11th grade English teacher. King spends no time on Story. He says invent characters and start writing. No outline necessary. This is terrible advice. He doesn't mean to be terrible, it's just that he started writing stories at eight years old, and was submitting to editors by age 12. The Story is second nature to him. It's like a beginner taking a golf lesson from Tiger Woods: just hit your drive 300 yards, and then we'll talk tactics about your next shot. We mortals have to start from a different point. I'll discuss better ideas next week. |
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