AuthorJim Flynn is a humorist, writer and novelist. He is available for speaking engagements. To contact email: [email protected] Archives
November 2024
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New! Improved!5/4/2024  There are some big changes coming to the JIMFLYNNSIX.COM website. Above is an easy one: a new cover for The 10 Greatest Golfers of All Time. I looked at the old cover and decided it needed an upgrade. I also had the interior text professionally formatted. Similar moves to Hit Your Second Shot First resulted in quintupling sales! D'uh! What was I waiting for?
The addition of a humorous figure lets browsing potential readers know that this book isn't entirely serious. A similar upgrade is in the works for Be Sincere Even When You Don't Mean It. Bigger substantial changes will be discussed in the next few weeks. Meanwhile, if you're looking for a gift for that dorky golfer in your life here's a link to the Amazon page to order The 10 Greatest Golfers of All Time: www.amazon.com/dp/B0C5S7Q58F By the way, last week's blog in which I made fun of my friend Bob was by far the most popular blog post I've done. I explained to Bob that it makes people feel better about themselves when I make fun of a handsome rich guy. So, you may see an AI generated image of terrified Bob fleeing from a murderous alligator on golf course in Florida in the weeks to come. I'm encouraging reader input. Any potentially dangerous, life threatening scenarios for Bob you'd like to see? Send suggestions to me at: [email protected]
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I've made fun of my friend Bob in the past, but I have to say I'm proud of him for his amazing transformation.
That's Bob on the left after he retired and became a legal resident of Florida. He may have adjusted to the laid back Southern lifestyle a bit too much. Perhaps inspired by an upcoming 55th high school reunion, Bob initiated a rigorous program including diet and exercise. He may also have been motivated by the thought of possibly being challenged by a woman named Debbie, who routinely trounced all the boys in arm wrestling when we were in the eight grade. That's the new Bob on the right, ready in case Debbie shows up. My attorney advises me to include the following disclaimer: The photos have not been 100% verified. Photos may be actor portrayals based on actual events. Your results may vary.
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Time Enough at Last4/20/2024  When I was a kid the Twilight Zone wasn't just a TV show, it was my gateway into the world of fiction, unlike the boring stuff I was forced to read in school. Pictured above is the great Burgess Meredith in one of the best episodes, Time Enough at Last. It originally aired 65 years ago! The episodes are on Netflix, I still watch once in a while. At its best the Twilight Zone accomplished what fiction is aiming for: To draw the viewer, or reader into the world of the protagonist, and to forget their own troubles for a while.
Meredith's character, Henry Bemis, is a bookworm trapped in a life filled with annoyingly non-literary distractions like his job and his wife. His dream comes true when a nuclear bomb conveniently goes off while he's safely cocooned in a bank vault. Post-apocalypse, he finds he has all the time in the world—until his glasses break. Typical Twilight Zone ironic plot twist. I know, there are a lot of plot holes! Yes, let’s ignore that in reality, Bemis would’ve likely been vaporized, or walking into a still deadly radioactive wasteland rather than a librarian’s paradise. Suspension of disbelief is part of the enjoyment of storytelling. Remember it's a parable, and even Rod Serling probably didn't think we'd be discussing this episode in 2024. So, how does Bemis’ shattered spectacles relate to me? Well, I've always wanted to write, and retirement supposedly handed me 'time enough at last.' Instead, I’m battling the dreaded blank screen and fixing yesterday’s less-than-ready-for-prime-time prose. And let's not forget what author Steven Pressfield calls: Resistance, with a capital R, a force that stops you from doing your work, that leads you to time wasting on social media and checking your emails. But unlike Bemis, I’m prepared—I’ve got backup glasses. And it's fun making up stories. Today I'm going to be a guest on a podcast where I promise to be more amusing than whiny—think of me as a cheerier, more verbose Bemis, just with better luck in eyewear. BREAKING NEWS! Podcast on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bb1O6BCeGcc Note: whenever I watch, part of the fun is trying to talk like Rod Serling. He says "The Twilight Zone," with his teeth clenched. Try It!
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Did Lyle Alzado Ever Meet Mr. Rogers?4/14/2024  Pictured above is the late Lyle Alzado, of the Oakland Raiders. Just a guess, but I don't think he's asking members of the Denvers Broncos to please be his neighbor.
By all accounts Fred Rogers of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood was a genuinely nice man. But if everybody was Mr. Rogers, Thriller Novels would be pretty boring. Example: Opening of The Ice Cream Caper The group of three met every week at their secret location. Actually, everybody in town knew their secret location "Let's go to the Ice Cream Parlor," said Mark. "And maybe we can help some old ladies across the street like we did last time." "That sounds swell," answered "Grasshopper" Jones. "That way I can be home in time to meditate." See? You need some Lyle Alzados to stir up the mix. And the real world has plenty of people who plot to steal other people's money, and don't care about the consequences. Without bad guys, there can't be any good guys. Conflict! High Stakes! Bad Guys! That's what makes a story. In Useful Idiot, the bad guy is very bad. He's not shy about "misplacing" people who stand in the way of the big payday. Misplacing people is not a Mr. Rogers approved opportunity.
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Someone I know is going through chemo, and has the inevitable hair loss. I pledged to shave my head as a show of solidarity.
After shooting off my big mouth, I was pretty sure I'd look like a naked mole rat, but took the plunge. After the first swipe with the clippers, I was committed. I look better than I feared. I went grocery shopping today, and a biker chick was checking me out. Well, I think she used to be a biker chick, she was using a walker. I have provided a self portrait and a picture of a naked mole rat for comparison. That's me on the left, the one with the glasses and no tail. I admit: the rat has better coloring. I know, I know, members of the Bald Brotherhood are saying, "Big Deal!" But it's different when all the hair comes off at once, as opposed to over a period of years. Went to the YMCA, and another swimmer asked me if I shaved my head for hydrodynamic efficiency. I'm nowhere near that serious about swimming, but I just said "No." He can always read my blog if he wants the entire story. I usually welcome all comments, but if you think I do look like a naked mole rat, keep it to yourself. I'll talk about writing next week.
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If the dogs aren't eating the dog food3/30/2024  Short version of old joke:
The CEO of a dog food company, tired of his brand being the second most popular, spends a fortune developing a new healthy dog food formula, new cans, new advertising. After the product launch, the brand goes from second place to fourth place. Irate, the CEO calls a meeting of all top executives, and demands to know why the brand has slipped to fourth place. No one wants to answer. Finally one man works up the courage to tell the truth: “Sir, the dogs don’t like it.” There’s a lesson to be learned here, my friends. It doesn’t matter how much effort you put into something that is intended to be sold to the public. What matters is whether the public likes it. In the example of a book, it comes down to: do people want to buy, and read the book. I write two kinds of books. First: Shorter, funny books. I did this to entertain people, and my financial goal was to produce enough revenue to pay my modest annual golf expenses. I am pleased to say that this goal continues to be exceeded, the biggest contributor being Hit Your Second Shot First. Second: the JR Johnson Novels. For a self-published author, the Novel space is a very tough place to compete. Candidly, the monthly royalties I receive for the novels aren’t enough to keep a chihuahua in dog food. I spoke to a book marketing expert. He told me to give up on the novels and write the short books. "You're too old. Novels are too competitive and you need an agent." I could give up on the novels. I’m not gonna do that. I have a different strategy that I’ll talk more about next week.
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When it's Time to Rebuild3/21/2024  I finished the fourth JR Johnson book over a year ago.
It wasn’t good enough. So I started over. Since then the title has changed maybe five times. The tone of the book is very different. The point of view characters are different. Yesterday I wrote a new ending. Casual observers may not realize how competitive the publishing world has become. OVER 1,000 BOOKS A DAY ARE SELF-PUBLISHED ON AMAZON. Many of the books now are written by Artificial Intelligence, with little to no human intervention. The most competitive space is: Novels. That’s where JR Johnson lives. I’m looking for an agent for the new book and not self-publishing. I’ve gotten in the door of a couple agents, who read Better Than Even, but passed on it. Just getting in the door of a big-time agent is no small feat. One of the agents took the time to make some very helpful suggestions. If I go down the route of traditional publishing it will be a while before the fourth JR Johnson comes out. Maybe never. But it’s too much time and effort to write a novel and then throw it into the self-published mix with a thousand other new books the day it comes out. Let’s compare novels to other genres. One of my golf books: Hit Your Second Shot First is my best seller. It sells every day with no advertising or promotion costs. I had an offer from a publisher but rejected it because I do better self-publishing. Second in my sales rankings is Be Sincere Even When You Don’t Mean It, which has a bit of a cult following, and third is The 10 Greatest Golfers of All Time. Why does a little 16,000-word golf book outsell the 80,000-to-100,000-word novels? Because it’s in a niche, and people search on Amazon for golf books as gifts for a father, husband, or friend. I thought the paperback format would be 99% of sales, but a lot of people read it in eBook as well. Remember, I’m not competing only with human authors. AI is writing. But from what I’ve seen artificial intelligence isn’t very good at humor yet. Meanwhile does anybody know an agent? There’s a dance an author has to go through to get an agent to look at a manuscript, it’s as formal as a minuet, and it starts with something called a Query Letter. I’m starting to send out the Queries. If you’re looking for a gift for that hard to buy for golfer on your gift list, consider Hit Your Second Shot First. It was deliberately priced to be competitive with a Father’s Day Card, and it won’t get thrown out as soon as you have your back turned. I'm told the book is suitable for being re-gifted, or as an addition to the powder room bookshelf of a vacation home. Link: www.amazon.com/dp/B09CGMTCBQ
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This Man is Very Bad3/11/2024  If you want an interesting book, make the villain bad.
If you want a very interesting book, make the villain BADDER. The man above is Chan Pennington, the Chief of Staff to the President, and the villain of Useful Idiot. He's very bad, but sometimes displays dark humor. To tell you this does not give anything away, because in the first chapter JR Johnson has this to say: When I had returned from an improbable mission two men from the government, including Chan Pennington, debriefed and then threatened me. “You got the money you were promised. I’m sure you’ll be fine,” Pennington had said, ‘as long as you keep your mouth shut.” When he told me I’d be fine, it was not reassurance, it was part of his intimidation. He thought he was so slick, but I’d been around the block and realized that Pennington was a man always playing mind games, never to be taken at face value. They plain don't like each other, and Pennington has some very bad plans. Work continues. BTW, the picture above is AI generated text-to-image. It took me about 15 tries to get the Pennington I wanted. I look at his image when I'm writing dialogue with him.
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Toni Anne Quotes Shakespeare3/9/2024  In Useful Idiot, Toni Anne Laudano repeats a famous quote, and attributes it to Shakespeare.
"Politics Makes Strange Bedfellows." JR Johnson corrects her, tells her that some guy in the 1800s said that. He teases, saying, "Well, you got Final Jeopardy wrong." This irritates Toni Anne, who is used to being right all the time. You'll have to read the book to see her reply. After all, this is a PG Rated blog. Okay. Pop Quiz, Hotshot: Who said "Politics Makes Strange Bedfellows." Hint: Even when you eventually cheat and look it up online, different sources give different answers. BTW, I know some of the readers of this blog, and I know you will cheat immediately. Update: Steady progress is being made on fifth draft of Useful Idiot.
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Remember When Brains Cost 25 cents?3/1/2024  Was this the beginning of AI?
When you could buy brains for 25 cents, along with your donut and 7Up? I go on Facebook once in a while, and there's always some boomer, my age, lamenting that the world was better when there were only three tv channels and you had to get off the couch to switch on great shows like Bonanza. And they didn't have a snow day unless there was at least a foot on the ground, and they walked to school--AND LEARNED TO WRITE IN CURSIVE! Some of the boys even peed their names in cursive in the snow. When boys were boys, Dammit! (Note: I might have done that. Sometimes it helps to have a short name) And if we got rid of cellphones, folks would talk to each other again. I don't want to be mean, but I think some of these people bought the 25 cents brains, and haven't upgraded since. I have managed to resist poking the bear and replying on Facebook to these people. I want to say: If that's so great, put down your remote, get off your butt and walk over to the tv and change the channel. You can find Bonanza somewhere. And nobody's stopping you from tossing the cellphone. But then you couldn't post your photos on Facebook! Write notes to your friends in cursive. You can consider it a secret code, unbreakable by the new generation. The point: Technology is changing the world, and the AI wave is coming. This is a big deal. Change or watch Bonanza. It's up to you. |
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