Remember Lifestyles of The Rich and Famous?

The illustration above is from my upcoming book, Paperback Writer: Now Appearing at Bingo Night. It shows what I imagined my life would look like after publishing my first book.

It hasn’t quite worked out that way… yet.

Looking at the picture, my mind wandered to that cringe-worthy 1980s TV show: Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, hosted by Robin Leach. Remember him?

I did some research. Mr. Leach is no longer with us. And while I try not to wish ill on anyone, I do hope his final years involved dining in soup kitchens… hold the champagne and caviar, maybe an extra helping of gruel.

Thanks to the wonder of the internet, I watched clips of the show. I'm not making up any of this.

Robin had a rare talent—he could describe things like this with a straight face and call it “understated elegance”:

• Zsa Zsa Gabor’s dog, wearing a diamond-studded collar, entering his own walk-in closet.


• Barry Gibb’s home discotheque, complete with mirrored walls and a disco ball. There were more mirrors per square foot than on the Hubble Space Telescope. The Windex bill alone could’ve funded a moon landing.


• The Sultan of Brunei’s solid gold toilet and fleet of 500 Rolls-Royces. It answered the question: what do you give a guy who has 499 Rolls Royces? The toilet was said to be fully functional, though we had to take the Sultan’s word for it—regrettably there was no understated yet elegant demonstration.

Anyway… I don’t even like champagne. I’m just hoping to afford the beret pictured above. It’s cashmere. Custom-made in Paris.
Coming soon…