Printer vs. Baseball Bat

Based on this morning.

I have owned many printers in my life.

Inkjet. Laser. Wireless. “All-in-one.” Which, by the way, is marketing code for none of the functions work particularly well, but they all fail in different and exciting ways.

And I can say this with complete confidence: I have never owned a printer I didn’t eventually want to beat to death with a baseball bat like they did in Office Space.

You print a test page. It works. You feel a little thrill. You think, This one’s different. 

Then you try to print something important. Something time-sensitive. A boarding pass. Tax documents. 

And suddenly, the printer becomes a philosopher.
“Paper jam.”
There is no paper jam.

You open every compartment like you’re performing surgery on a toaster. Nothing. You close it.

Then it escalates.
“Low ink.”

You just bought the cartridge. It cost more than the printer.
You replace it anyway.
“Cartridge not recognized.”

You unplug it. You plug it back in.

Nothing works.

And here’s the real genius: printers fail only when you need them.


The moment you need one page—just one—the printer senses it.
It is a Smart Printer. Smart enough to sabotage you. The start of SkyNet taking over.

You see yourself in a field.
Slow motion.
You’re holding a baseball bat.
The printer is on the ground.

You take a swing.
Admit it. You've been there.

Which brings me to my proposal.
Forget software updates. Forget “smart features.” 

Just include the bat.
Right in the box.

“Congratulations on your purchase. Inside you’ll find your printer, power cord, starter ink cartridge, and a regulation Louisville Slugger.”
Maybe even a little instruction manual:
Step 1: Attempt to print.
Step 2: Experience confusion.
Step 3: Experience rage.
Step 4: Proceed directly to the bat.

The customer support hotline is answered by a former minor league baseball player. He advises you on your stance.

Wouldn't that be great?

Because if printer companies were honest—the packaging wouldn’t show a smiling family printing vacation photos.

​It would be a photo of the characters Samir and Michael from Office Space smashing the printer in a field.


And honestly?
I’d trust that brand more.

If you haven't seen Press The Button, you might want to check it out on Amazon:
www.amazon.com/dp/B0GR9HLFDK