Pickleball and The End of Human Decency

A few years ago, here's what I knew about Pickleball:

​1) Everybody I knew who played Pickleball got hurt, a 100% casualty rate. Many required orthopedic surgery.

2)  Every retired lawyer in Florida had filed a legal brief opposing the sport.

I found it all amusing. After all, isn’t it just tennis for people who can’t run?  How bad could the sound of a paddle hitting a plastic ball be?

PLOCK, PLOCK, PLOCK.

That was my introduction to the sound of live Pickleball. I was playing golf, and a couple tennis courts next to the 18th fairway had been converted to Pickleball...that noise does carry.

“PLOCK” does not capture the rage producing sound of a pickleball being struck by a paddle. Many have tried to describe the sound, for example, “ a large Tupperware container being struck by a stick.” One actual legal brief states Pickleball sounds are: “Acoustic assault. An unreasonable interference with a right common to the general public...” 

To put it in perspective, three PLOCKS in a row are irritating. Twenty-five consecutive PLOCKS are enough to  make Gandhi renounce non-violence. Imagine how much fun it is to own a condo right next to the Pickleball court.

Pickleball players take criticism from outsiders with the objectivity of, say, a  parent watching their kid play Little League baseball.

​The battle lines are drawn. It's like the cattle ranchers vs. the sheep herders in an old Western.

All this animosity has created shouting matches, pushing and shoving, fistfights. But it’s not just condo owners fighting with Pickleball players, but also Pickleball-on-Pickleball mayhem.

I know I’m supposed to say there’s no justification for violence, but I gotta be honest...there are very few things as entertaining as watching old people fight. And who said I was a responsible person?

Imagine my delight when I saw a headline that 20 geriatric Pickleball players had been arrested for brawling. Turned out, there were 20 people involved, but only two arrests.

​Disappointing, but one of the arrests was of a man for punching an opposing woman player following a lengthy expletive filled tirade, after accusing her of illegally hitting the ball.

​The incident did happen in Florida, our Casket of Civilization. Included in the online article were mugshots of the two unrepentant perpetrators. 

Florida police may develop special radio codes for Pickleball problems: There's a 10-82 in progress, could mean there are 10 eighty-two year olds fighting on a Pickleball court.

The injury rate? Fits right in with my conspiracy theory that Pickleball was invented by orthopedic surgeons as a response to baby boomers aging out of skiing and tennis. 

Some conspiracy theories are true.
​
It is discussed in the soon to be released book/audiobook: Press The Button.


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