Make The Rest of Your Life Seem Great

 
MRI Land

America’s most irritating sounds:
1) MRI machine
2) Pickleball
3) Skateboarding

For years skateboarding was number one, but has been recently overtaken, which must be a big disappointment to teenage creeps everywhere.

Some of you have never had an MRI.
I can tell.
You look innocent… and maybe, still employed.

An MRI is not a medical test.
It’s a psychological experiment. It has taken over the top spot because it is irritating...and terrifying.

They put headphones on you…
and say, “Just relax.” Then slide you into a metal tube like a defective torpedo.

Relax??
I’m in a coffin with surround sound.

And that got me thinking about the former champion of irritating sound…

The most irritating sound in America used to be
teenage skateboarders grinding metal trucks down concrete steps.
That SKRRAAAAPE–WHACK noise. 

It is vital to be able to subject adults to the noise.

Well, according to scientific research I completely invented,
MRI noises, and the sounds of pickleball have officially overtaken skateboarding
as the most irritating sounds in the nation.

Pickleball is annoying — fine.
Same rage producing plastic thud over and over.

But an MRI? Hundreds of different sounds.
Starts like a washing machine arguing with a UFO.

And just when you think,
“Okay… I’m getting used to this…”
It goes silent…
way too long. You’re isolated...in this tube...

You start thinking:
“Did they go to lunch and forget I'm in here?”
“Was there a nuclear war?”
“Am I the last guy… in a tube?”

Then—BLAST!
They sound an electronic alarm, based on the klaxon the Exxon Valdez
activated when they realized too late they were running aground. But louder.

You’re lying there thinking,
“I hope they find something…
because I never want to do this again.
Tell me I glow in the dark. Something.”

Even though skateboarding is now third on the list of irritation,
That hasn’t stopped the kids.
They don’t skateboard for the joy of movement.
They skateboard
for the sound.

Cities built them beautiful skate parks.
Cities didn’t get it.
The skateboards are just a medium. The real joy is irritating grown-ups.

You can’t do that at a park, so...

The skateboarders headed right back downtown to a bank with marble steps
because nothing says “Rebel Without a Clue”
like risking your life to annoy people who already hate their jobs.

Anyhow...I’ve had some experience in MRIs...but they’re expensive...and medical professionals, having no sense of humor, discourage people from showing up unannounced to try the MRI for recreational purposes.

So to give everybody access to the MRI experience...

I have a solution.
I’m opening a theme park.
MRI Land.

For a fraction of the cost of a real MRI --
and none of the medical benefit --
you get shoved into a metal tube
and blasted with MRI noises for an hour.

No diagnostic equipment.
No results.

But when you come out?
Waiting in line at the DMV will feel like a vacation.

There’s a minimum age requirement at MRI Land.
We don’t want the skateboard dudes in there --
they might actually enjoy it.

To get in, you must present either:
an AARP card,
a list of your current medications,
or proof of a recent colonoscopy.
​
MRI Land.
“We make the rest of your life seem great.”
​I'm thinking t-shirts and hats.

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