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Blog of Jim Flynn
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AuthorJim Flynn is a humorist, writer and novelist. He is available for speaking engagements. To contact email: [email protected] Archives
May 2026
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No Pain, All Gain: Trust Me, Grasshopper5/31/2026  Ok, I admit this is an AI generated aspirational illustration of what I'll look like in 6 weeks of Tai Chi workouts, but I'm trending in that direction.
If you're a guy anywhere near my age, the algorithm has found you too. Whenever I go on YouTube or Facebook, there's a Chinese gent who looks about two hundred years old, but he has abs like the illustration above. He speaks with such dignity and calm that he must be telling the truth, right? If I looked like that, I'd never button my shirt either. He discloses an ancient Chinese secret workout, that was locked away for centuries, and can only be revealed now that you can put your credit card information on the internet. I didn't watch the whole video, but the fellow talks about a bet he made with his wife regarding the results of the workout program. If he loses, they go to Paris. If he wins, they go to Hawaii. Win or lose, sounds like a good bet. Who is paying for this vacation? You are, if you sign up for the free Tai Chi chair workout program. How could that be? It's free! Best case is: he's going to sell your name and email address to other people who want to market to the following demographic: Delusional old guys who think doing minimal exercise five minutes day will make you look like this, even though their food pyramid in the last five years has been based on Tater Tots. Admit it: Your previous diets have consisted of temporarily switching to Lite Beer. Worse case, in addition to selling your name, the Tai Chi people are going to tell you that in order to get real results, you should upgrade to the paid program, and possibly buy some nutritional supplements. Warning: Tater Tots are not part of the Tai Chi nutritional plan. I've got to go now. Time to wave my arms over my head for five minutes. Not just any old waving around---the ancient Chinese way! Makes all the difference, Grasshopper. Soon I will be auditioning for the role of Geriatric Man in the new Marvel Superhero Movie.
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 I was writing my new JR Johnson novel when I needed a detail to show readers a character was a phony.
The guy boasts that his office chairs are made of Soft Corinthian leather. If you’re old enough, you immediately hear Ricardo Montalban saying it in that impossibly smooth voice from the old Chrysler Cordoba commercials. Back then, if Ricardo Montalban told America the seats were wrapped in the hides of magical Corinthian cows, we believed him. In the scene, JR asks: “What is Corinthian leather anyhow?” The guy answers: “Some kind of leather, I guess. Nobody ever asked me before.” Turns out, that’s basically the real story. I looked it up. There is no such thing as Corinthian leather. None. Zero. The ad agency made it up because “soft leather” sounded like a sleazy salesman trying to sell you a Naugahyde sofa. That’s it. Entirely fabricated. Marketing. Add one word: Corinthian, and we all still remember the commercial from the 1970s. And America responded: “Take my money immediately.” Which explains most of modern civilization. Words can be powerful. We buy words, phrases. Luxury branding is basically adult fairy tales. Corinthian leather. Mountain spring water. Artisan-crafted coffee, $12 a pop in NYC, for a Grande, which is two ounces. Farm-to-table. AI-powered toothbrushes. Oh, did I mention the new book will be printed on Genuine Corinthian Paper? Sourced only from organic trees, hand curated. A Grande print edition will be available. If only Ricardo Montalban was around to narrate the audiobook.
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 Every writer dreams of free nation-wide publicity for their book.
Free? Yes. But a few strings attached. This example: Life Sentence without Parole. A Utah children’s author and mother of three recently wrote a heartfelt book about helping kids deal with grief after the sudden death of her husband. Then prosecutors alleged she poisoned him by lacing his Moscow Mule cocktail with fentanyl. She has now been convicted. There was a big life insurance policy involved. From a marketing standpoint the situation is what they call “a complicated launch." The book was titled Are You With Me? The book can still be salvaged. It just needs a little rebranding. Suggested new title: Kids...Who Wants a Pony? I've been told I have a knack for titles. Still, there may actually be a lesson here for writers. For years we’ve all been told the secret to selling books is “authenticity.” Write what you know. Create emotional truth. Build your brand. Establish credibility. Hey, she took it too far, ok? And, referring to the photo above, she might have wanted an attorney with better body language. Meanwhile, most writers I know can’t even finish Chapter Three because Netflix just released a documentary about serial killers, and they've got to binge watch all 14 episodes for research purposes. The publishing industry always talks about “finding your niche.” Here’s my professional advice: try not to make your niche “suspected murderer accidentally creating the worst book publicity tour in modern history.” Though I admit this story does answer one publishing question. Yes, people still notice books. A friend of mine likes to say, "You can't make this stuff up." You don't have to! Meanwhile, be on the lookout for my soon to be released new JR Johnson thriller.
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 The internet never forgets. It just waits. Quietly. Patiently. Like when my wife brings up that thing I said in 1978.  |
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